5 Ways to Cope When Happy News Makes You Sad

Immediately after learning that my sister was pregnant with her first child, I sat down and cried.

The announcement was a joyful one: she was excited, her husband was excited, all the soon-to-be grandparents were excited. I was excited! There was going to be a new baby in the family!

And yet, after that first reaction of happiness, I couldn’t help but cry. I felt like a complete failure of a big sister. She was starting a family, and I — single, childless — had no experience or advice to offer her. I was supposed to hit those big life milestones first.

But I hadn’t. And in that happy moment, I found myself sad.

Have you been there?

Have you gotten that photo of a friend’s sparkly new engagement ring, only to find yourself feeling bitter that it wasn’t you? Or gone to a housewarming party and found yourself annoyed that your entire rented apartment full of furniture you put together yourself with an Allen wrench could fit in their backyard?

I’ve been there. It’s not the most fun place to be. So how do you cope when hearing happy news makes you sad — especially when you want to be happy?

1. Go ahead and cry.
My first inclination in these types of situations is to put on a brave face and not let anyone know that I’m upset. But you know what? It’s okay to be upset.

Some of the most freeing advice I’ve ever heard came from Joy Eggerich Reed, who at at the time was writing and speaking a lot about singleness and dating and relationships, and said something to the effect of if you need to excuse yourself from a party or situation and cry alone for a few minutes, go do it. Maybe don’t cry in front of your host, or the sweet friend that just made the happy announcement, but go do it.

Follow the example of Emma Thompson’s character in Love Actually and go to another room, put on some Joni Mitchell, think about your life and let the tears come. Get it out of your system. It’s okay.

2. Pray about it.
I know this sounds like a cliche answer, but sometimes cliches are true. When you’re feeling sad about someone else’s happy moment, pray about it. God wants to know how you’re doing.

You’re in good company: the Psalms are full of instances where David cried out to God because he was sad or upset. Lament is a perfectly acceptable emotion to show in prayer. Need a model? Try Psalm 13. It’s the one I always look to when I’m angry or sorrowful.

3. Ask a friend to pray with you about it.
You don’t have to experience these emotions alone. Find a trusted friend, pull them into a room with you, tell them what’s going on and ask them to pray for you. Sometimes it helps just to share with someone, even if you have to talk through sobs.

I’ve often found that friends will pray things over me that I didn’t know I wanted or needed. Invite them to share in this tough moment with you. We’re called to “be happy with those who are happy, and weep with those who weep (Rom 12:15)” — and sometimes we are those that need to be wept with.

4. Don’t let comparison steal your joy.
You've probably heard the Teddy Roosevelt quote before that “comparison is the thief of joy.” And it so easy, when we’re watching our friends hit the milestones we thought we would have by now or accomplish the things we haven't yet, to let our joy be stolen. To become sad in someone’s happy moment.

But here’s the thing: You aren’t your friend. You’re you! Your lives were designed with different purposes and will unfold on different timelines. Just because their life has taken certain turns before yours has doesn’t mean your life is any less worthy or significant. If your life looked exactly like everyone else’s, you wouldn’t be able to accomplish the thing you were created for and that only you can do. I know it can be super hard in the moment — but try to remember that your life doesn’t have to look like that of those around you, and to stop comparing yours to theirs.

5. Treat yo self.
Do something that makes you happy. Take a walk on that beautiful trail that you like, meet up with friends for coffee, draw a bath and use that fancy bath bomb you’ve been saving.

In my experience, thinking about how sad I am only makes me sadder. I have a bad habit of mentally listing all of my complaints, as if that justifies feeling bad about myself, but it doesn’t help me feel any better. Concentrating on the things you enjoy and are thankful for can help readjust your mindset and pull you out of a sad mood.

It can be tough to find yourself sad, upset, or hurting in a moment when you expect to feel joy or excitement for someone you love. But you don’t have to go it alone, and you don’t have to stay there. 💜

Please note that I am not a counselor, and should you be experiencing profound sadness or depression, please reach out to a professional. There’s no shame in talking to someone or getting the help you need.